3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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