So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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