She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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