U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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