Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
