Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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