don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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