be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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