Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
