I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
