apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
