On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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