Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize