so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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