she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
