I'm going to jail i love you
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
