hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
