I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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