I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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