Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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