i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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