Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Randomize
