Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
PANTIES FOUND
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
