try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
