I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
