How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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