Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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