my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
