Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
it glows. i had to have it.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
