Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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