let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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