she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
