I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize