Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
