I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
