i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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