After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
