Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
