we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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