He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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