just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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