people are starting to question the shark bite story
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
