I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
