As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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