My friends, they love my intelligence
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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