I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize