Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
