Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
