We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
