Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
