New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
