Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
