I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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