I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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