vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
