I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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