nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
